


How to Heal The Oldest Wound

by Neko564



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Comfort occurs in later chapter, Depression, Eventual Comfort, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Battle of Camlann (Merlin), Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Reincarnation occurs in later chapter, Sad, Sad Merlin, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, grieving Merlin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 09:40:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29624334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neko564/pseuds/Neko564
Summary: Merlin is distraught after losing Arthur. He doesn't handle it well.Eventual Reincarnation Hurt/Comfort fic.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	How to Heal The Oldest Wound

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Some suicidal thoughts/ideation.

When Arthur died, Merlin lost himself.

Everything he had done, everything he had been, was for his king. And his king, his best friend, the man he loved, was dead. 

He didn't leave the shores of Lake Avalon for months. He just stared out at the island far across those icy waters and waited. The weather didn't faze him, hunger couldn't move him. Occasionally sleep would pull him down, but the young man awoke within hours, screaming and sobbing as his heart was wrenched from his chest once more. 

As time passed, his cheeks hollowed and his ebony hair grew into a messy, tangled snarl. His legs gave out, so he sat and continued his vigil with blurry eyes and frost-bitten cheeks. In his mind, or perhaps out loud, he begged the fates to send Arthur back, or to take Merlin too. Surely, Destiny wasn't so cruel. Surely, they couldn't leave him here.

His king did not come back.

The lake was starting to freeze when Sirs Leon and Percival finally found the young warlock. Leon approached him first, gently placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. Merlin flinched hard at the contact, letting out a scream and a wild pulse of magic that sent his friend careening into the sands behind him.

He could tell that the knights were trying to say something now, their hands stretched out in a placating gesture. Merlin couldn't decipher the words, he just stared straight ahead at the island across the lake, refusing to move or speak.

A part of him hoped they would kill him for his magic right then and there. The sweet release of death was calling to him, whispering in his ear to just get it over with so he could finally be relieved of all this pain and guilt.

Fate wasn't so kind. 

Percival was in front of him next, his eyes pleading and his voice dripping with concern. He didn't touch Merlin, but begged. For what, Merlin didn't know. How could they ask anything more of him? He had given all that he had to give and it wasn't enough.

After a few minutes, or maybe hours, the knights left a small pack of bread and cheese in Merlin's lap and disappeared back into the woods.

Time was no longer relevant to the grieving young man. The next thing he knew, Gaius and his mother were on the beach with him. Hunith gathered him into her arms, and Merlin didn't fight her touch. She was crying into his shoulder, her grip tight enough to bruise when the young warlock finally broke his vigil. 

Merlin gripped his mother back as waves of anguish overtook him. He squeezed his eyes shut and grappled desperately at her back with what little strength he had left. The young man was sobbing now, his chest so tight that he could no longer draw in air. Hunith cooed softly in his ear, stroking his matted hair as he wailed in return. The grief was all-consuming. He felt as though a boulder sat upon his chest, crushing his rib cage and collapsing his lungs. He couldn't bear the weight of it. He couldn't breathe.

He was choking hopelessly on the lump in his throat when a dark fog began to creep across his mind. A few seconds later, everything went dark as the warlock passed out.

*****

When Merlin came to, his head was pounding and his body ached. He couldn't remember much as he drifted in the fugue state between sleeping and wakefulness. The scent of herbs and woodfire filled the air and he knew he was in Gaius' workshop. He furrowed his brow as a part of him felt like he shouldn't be there.

Why shouldn't he be there? _Arthur's dead._

Merlin whimpered at that, curling in on himself and bringing his thin blanket up over his head. "No. No no no no no," he cried. His fingers dug into his hair and pulled hard as he mumbled the word over and over.

"Merlin!" he heard his mentor yell as the old man fumbled with something and rushed to his bedside. "Merlin my boy," Gaius' voice trailed off, laced with worry.

Merlin felt the blanket lift from his head as he continued to pull at his own hair mercilessly. He kept his eyes sealed shut, his body tense at the thought of being seen. Gaius placed warm hands over his own, trying to gently coax his fingers from his locks. 

"Merlin, you're hurting yourself!" Gaius pleaded when Merlin refused to release his hold. The older man put more strength his efforts, exerting himself to pry the offending digits from the warlock's head. Eventually, Merlin's strength gave out and Gaius was able to pull his hands down, gripping them fiercely to prevent him from trying again.

When Merlin looked up into the old man's eyes, he could see his own emotions reflected back at him. His mentor's cheeks were streaked with tears, both old and new. He was hurting, and it was Merlin's fault.

"I-I'm so.. sorry." Merlin's voice cracked as the broken words left him. "I couldn't save him Gaius," he sucked in a startled breath and whimpered, "I failed."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, thanks for reading! This is my second fic ever. I'm so sorry for putting Merlin through all this pain, he just doesn't deserve it. I'll try to have the next chapter up sometime next week! :)
> 
> I also want to say that I do not believe that suicide should ever be seen as a way out, and I am only trying to stay true to the way the character is feeling in this story. If you struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide, please seek help. I have struggled with depression for a long time, and I've found therapy to be very helpful, especially with the isolation that Covid has inflicted upon us. Sending all my love <3


End file.
